The Personals, Pt. 1

I just broke up with my girlfriend. We were flying over a beach in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina and disintegrated into thin air. I wonder where we went? We’re not really here, we’re just a figment of somebody’s bad imagination. If only. *sigh* I wish I could mean that when I say it. It’s painful to break up with someone you’ve been dating a while and whom you love, especially if you’re the breakee.

Even worse, the next day I find her on Now that hurt! I was just curious, but she was a supplier! So I created a bogus personal ad just to mess with her head, that’s how crazy I am. I was torn because I truly loved her. But she dumped me and I had to take it out on someone. I wonder why she’s not in a relationship with me anymore…

I found myself writing a personal ad for a Jewish dentist named Michael. I liked the name Michael, it sounded non-threatening. And of course, she’d been my partner, so I had an inroad into some of her preferences. I submitted my responses. ‘Annual Income…. $150,000.’ ‘Religion… Jewish.’ ‘Height…’ Six feet tall is always good, but I said 5’10” because she was only 5’3″ and I didn’t want to create a distance issue. I think for ‘body type’ I chose average. This was somehow relieving, therapeutic. ‘Resides… 5 miles away.’ ‘Status… divorced.’ ‘Children… Yes, living away from home.’ ‘Activities… book club, political discussion, volleyball.’ ‘Doesn’t own, but would like to own… salamander, horses.’ Does this never end?

It was time to find a picture of Michael. What to do? With 15,000,000 active members on the site it wasn’t likely someone would stumble onto Michael’s photo and go “Hey, that’s not Michael, that’s my mailman! I’m telling!” I found a picture of a guy (cute)! Of course he needed to have more than one picture in case this actually worked and she wanted to see more. Well, you never know.

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