The Personals, Pt. 3

I read her response, “Hey Michael, I noticed you noticing my personal ad. What did you think? Judith.” I wasn’t sure which felt worse, that the love of my life was pining for a date with a complete stranger the day after breaking up with me, that I was the complete stranger, or that I’d just compromised the space/time continuum and the universe was starting to implode upon itself. My head began throbbing. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for that, so the best thing would be to pull my ad immediately.

“Hey Judith, thanks for the holler. Your personal ad was dynamite. You have a lot of great qualities and I think you express yourself real good.” Hey, wait a minute. I was supposed to be a successful Jewish dentist here. Play it down, play it down! I was confused by all the pretense. I was like the Bush administration in Iraq: I knew how to go in but had no idea how to get out without causing collateral damage. I’d become bogged down in my own bogus personal ad quagmire. “I liked your ad, but my gut tells me that we’re just not a match. Keep trying, though, I know that the guy for you is out there. Maybe he isn’t as tall or financially secure as I am. Maybe he even drives a late model economy car like a Honda Civic. It could be silver, who knows? There are great guys like that out there. You should really think about giving one of them a second ch… I mean… a chance. Sincerely, Michael.”

I ended it there and of course never clicked on the send button. Now I had a headache and a stomach ache. I might be crazy, but even I have my limits. I’m glad that I came to my senses and deleted my profile before my credit card was charged. Sometimes it’s wiser to sit with the pain and not do anything about it.

©  Rob Fiedler, 2007

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The Personals, Pt. 2

 I chose a brief narrative that I pasted in from a different fellow’s inactive personal ad, making sure to replace the word kinky with professional. It was a short ad. It couldn’t go on forever; that would’ve been a dead giveaway that it was me and then I’d never get her back. I made sure to throw in some words she knew I never used, like dynamite  in its adjectival form. I finished, uploaded the picture, and submitted for approval. Before I logged off, though, I put the final detail of my evil, insidious plan into effect, the critical step that would make privy to her my existence: I went in and viewed her ad. She’d never been able to resist checking out a guy who’d viewed her ad. Well, could you? I logged out and went to sleep. Finally, done!

The next morning I had 157 responses in my mailbox. Not really. But once my personal ad was approved, I was shocked to find a few women had viewed it and a couple of those had actually responded. God, I’m good. Why is she not in a relationship with me?

I clicked on the first response, thinking ‘It couldn’t be her.’ When it opened and I saw the picture, my head sank into my hands. I sat like that for a full minute; the same picture of her I saw the fateful day I discovered her personal ad. My plan was working but I wasn’t feeling very good about it at all. What the hell am I thinking?

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The Personals, Pt. 1

I just broke up with my girlfriend. We were flying over a beach in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina and disintegrated into thin air. I wonder where we went? We’re not really here, we’re just a figment of somebody’s bad imagination. If only. *sigh* I wish I could mean that when I say it. It’s painful to break up with someone you’ve been dating a while and whom you love, especially if you’re the breakee.

Even worse, the next day I find her on Match.com. Now that hurt! I was just curious, but she was a supplier! So I created a bogus personal ad just to mess with her head, that’s how crazy I am. I was torn because I truly loved her. But she dumped me and I had to take it out on someone. I wonder why she’s not in a relationship with me anymore…

I found myself writing a personal ad for a Jewish dentist named Michael. I liked the name Michael, it sounded non-threatening. And of course, she’d been my partner, so I had an inroad into some of her preferences. I submitted my responses. ‘Annual Income…. $150,000.’ ‘Religion… Jewish.’ ‘Height…’ Six feet tall is always good, but I said 5’10” because she was only 5’3″ and I didn’t want to create a distance issue. I think for ‘body type’ I chose average. This was somehow relieving, therapeutic. ‘Resides… 5 miles away.’ ‘Status… divorced.’ ‘Children… Yes, living away from home.’ ‘Activities… book club, political discussion, volleyball.’ ‘Doesn’t own, but would like to own… salamander, horses.’ Does this never end?

It was time to find a picture of Michael. What to do? With 15,000,000 active members on the site it wasn’t likely someone would stumble onto Michael’s photo and go “Hey, that’s not Michael, that’s my mailman! I’m telling!” I found a picture of a guy (cute)! Of course he needed to have more than one picture in case this actually worked and she wanted to see more. Well, you never know.

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